This is the second of two posts I have written about the miscarriage we experienced back in July. If there’s one thing that this heartbreak has shown me, it’s that my faith in Christ is something that will always sustain me. I hope you’ll find hope in this truth, too.
And if you think I’m cray, thanks for not telling it to my face. I like to pretend everyone always likes what I have to say…
Miscarriage feels like a cruel joke. At least that’s how I would describe it. You go from excitement to heartbreak. From joy to loss. From growing life to losing life. It’s basically a horrible oxymoron of a life experience.
And the week it was happening to us, I cried out to God so many times to tell me WHY. Why does He make life just to take it? Why do we have to be going through this? Why? Why? Why?
I mean, doesn’t Jesus love the little children?!
But even if we don’t get to know the why behind our pain, we do get to know the One who heals it. And He was with me every. step. of. the. way.
And you know what I heard Him say to my broken heart? He said, “I am with you.” Because He promises to always be there. Isaiah 41:10
And over and over again, I heard Him say, “I move mountains, Alyssa.”. Because He knows my fears, and is able to overcome them. Even if my ever-anxious brain is in a downward spiral of overwhelming worry… Matthew 17:20
And when I thought of that little life lost, He told me, “I am taking her with me now; she is not made for this world.” Because He loved that baby more than I could. And my first child won’t know a world with any darkness. Praise Him for that assurance! Philippians 3: 20-21
And when all of the doubt started to creep in, He said, “You will hold a child in your arms.” Because even in my moments of darkness, He gives me hope. Proverbs 3: 5-6
And when it was all over, I heard Him say, “Although you have stopped bleeding, I haven’t stopped bleeding for you.” Matthew 26:27-28
Because that, my friends, is the ultimate truth. Our ultimate truth. If He was willing to die for us, doesn’t that mean He wants to give us life too?
What I realized when the dark fog lifted and I was no longer walking around with horror film worthy streams of mascara running down my face, was that I hadn’t been that desperate for His love in a really long time. So in the midst of experiencing something terrible, I was reminded of the best promise this side of Heaven. That even though my love for Him fails on the regular, He will never leave me. His love is everlasting.That even though my love for Him fails on the regular, He will never leave me. His love is everlasting. Click To Tweet
And I have never felt so loved.
During this whole experience, I have been reminded of the story of Sarah and Abraham (see Genesis 15-21). After a literal LIFETIME of wanting to be a mother, and having to settle for her husband knocking up her maidservant in her place, God spoke and said that He was going to give her a child of her own. She was already well beyond child-rearing years and knew it. She probably doubted that her ninety-year-old body could even handle the taxing experience of bearing a child; and with no epidural to boot! But my favorite part of this story? When she heard the news from God, she laughed! Even though she heard it from the horse’s mouth Himself, she still struggled to believe that He would give her desires of her heart. She even tried to lie about it, but God called her out. Shocker.
I know that shouldn’t be my favorite part of the story, but it makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one with trust issues, ya know?
But the story doesn’t end at her audacious display of doubt. Instead, it is written that God was gracious to her and that she bore a son named Isaac at the very time that God promised him. At the very time that God promised him.
At the very time.
Isn’t that amazing?
In full disclosure, I keep getting mad at Dan for praying that God gives us a perfect child in His perfect timing. The control freak in me would like to him to pray that we would get pregnant right away. Immediately. With a perfectly healthy baby. Is that too much to ask?! Probably not. But what exists in Dan’s prayers, and subsequently in his heart, that lacks in both of mine is trust. Trust that God will be gracious to us. Trust that His plans are better than our plans. Trust that He has good promises for our story; just like Sarah and Abraham’s.
I mean, HELLOOOOO. Abraham was the father of the promised people. It makes sense for him to have lots of kids, right?!
But this anxious heart of mine can be hard to convince. So in my lack of faith, I cling to Dan’s confidence. And in my lack of control, I choose surrender.
And so did Sarah.
When she was finally holding Isaac, her baby boy, in her arms, Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.”
Isn’t that ironic? That when she doubted God, she laughed in disbelief. But when he was fulfilling His promise, and her heart’s desire, he also brought her joyful laughter.
So instead of trying to control every last moment of my life, today, I am going to laugh with Sarah. And one day, I pray you can laugh with me, too.
See Our Little Life: Experiencing Miscarriage Post 1